A couple months ago, I asked the question, "Is it possible to play your heart out each and every time?" Back then, I think I wanted the answer to be "yes." Now, I've come around to thinking that not only is it not possible, it might not even be a good idea to try. At least for me.
I had a bit of an epiphany recently. I was still in the mode of trying to make sense of how I could be so "hot" and then suddenly so "not." Be it mechanics, burn out - mental, emotional or physical...I was trying to find a way to get back where I was when I was playing my best, when I had focus, drive, and was hitting 'em good.
All of the players on my current team are strong, and I feel bad that over the last few months I haven't been carrying my weight. After another loss, I went home and looked at the stats, thinking how it hasn't been a great season, I had to start playing better...I was struck, that despite my losses this season, we weren't in last place, or hanging in the middle of the pack, we were in first.
I kind of hate what I'm about to say, because I'm independent and proud, and a stubborn perfectionist, but I'm thinking that maybe its okay to let my team carry me for awhile....and that I don't have to worry so much about putting pressure on myself to win right now, or make progress or whatever. My team has plenty of faith in my abilities, and I'm wondering if all the advice I was getting was more a response to my reactions to losing than to the actual losing itself.
I have come to terms with where I am with pool right now, and decided that I'm in a "recovery stage." But I'm not taking a break from pool, just a new approach. I've turned off the evaluator. Looking for positive things, or for nothing at all, and just focusing on being where I'm at, instead of trying to get somewhere.
I've discovered that recovery is all about trust. Trusting that you can let go of the reins of control for awhile and it will all return: the drive, the joy, the stroke, the eye. Its easy to be confident when you're winning. The results do all the work for you. But without trust, you're vulnerable the minute things start going wrong. In retrospect, during my winning streak I was confident, but I don't think I had trust. And the more I won, the more I was driven to practice harder and harder....a perfectionist's need to protect herself from failure. Interesting.
Anyway, letting go is a great feeling. Rehab IS Fab!