I'm pleased to say that my return to the table resulted in a win. Even though I have been committed to being positive about the L-word and not buying into the "losing streak" concept, it was a relief.
Its was an easy match, one that I was supposed to win, but that comes with its own pressure. If I lost this one, then I would have to go into therapy. Fortunately, while I wasn't playing my best, I was pocketing balls well enough to stay ahead, playing safe when I should and didn't make too many mistakes. My opponent made it easy on me by giving me ball in hand twice when I was either on my last ball or on the 8.
When I was on the hill, I missed the 8 a couple of times. I had ball in hand with one ball left and drew the cue back a little far for the eight, so I had kind of a tricky cut, which I almost made. When I went back to my seat I was thinking "Damn, I wish that had gone in. Then it would be over." Not, as in over as in won, but over as in, I didn't want to have to keep playing this match. My opponent missed and left me a pretty easy cut in the side. As I lined up I wasn't thinking, something to the effect of "This is an easy shot, don't miss it, don't miss it." And of course, I did.
Even if I had lost that game, I still had two more chances, so there wasn't any pressure except what I was putting on myself, because I was so darn scared of losing. What the hell? This ain't the Olympics, its league pool....
The next and final shot was a gift from the heavens, as incredibly, my opponent missed his ball entirely and I got ball in hand. It was a relief to sink that last ball and sit down...and then I had a great time drinking and chatting with my teammates until the wee hours of the morning.
I think my ego was a little bruised when people suggested I needed to get some easy wins to get my confidence back. But, I have to say, I think they were right. Sometimes it helps to lower the pressure a little and remember what it feels like to sink an 8-ball (even if its an easy one). It ain't pretty, but I guess this is just a first step to getting back into the groove.
Somewhere I read that in river rafting one of the keys to successfully navigating the rapids is to focus on where you want to go rather than trying to avoid the rocks. Right now all I see are rocks....and I don't get it. Why can't they just get out of the way?
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Keeping it together just long enough
Okay, even I know, its time to put the cue down for awhile and walk away from the table. And I'm going to take a break, I promise.
I've been saying that for a couple of weeks. So when I was invited to play in just one more end-of-season tournament, I told the tournament director I couldn't do it. I was just too burnt out. There would be no point in playing. I would not play well, not enjoy myself, and just reinforce all kinds of bad stuff. Which was too bad, because I've done well in this tournament before and normally would really be looking forward to it. But my mind was made up.
Then I thought about my June burn out problem. Of course, in a perfect world, you pace yourself so you peak for the most important competitions, but life doesn't always make that easy. So, if you're mentally tough, shouldn't you be able to push through the burn out just long enough to compete, and then take a break?
So, that became my quest. I spent the night before coming to terms with the whole situation. Accepting that I didn't want to play. Accepting that the tournament was coming at a bad time and there was nothing I could do about it. And then accepting that I was choosing to play anyway. I then spent some time getting in touch with my desire to win and visualizing myself playing with complete focus on the game and on every shot.
By morning, I was no longer feeling burnt out. I was ready to play.
It would be a great finish to this post to be able to say, "And I won the tournament" or "Made it to the finals." Nah. I was out in the first round. But I had a great match, and if it hadn't been for an unforeseen scratch on the 8 in the first game, I would have won in straight games. It was a victory for me, because I felt driven and focused in a way I haven't in weeks. Its a good feeling to know, that with a little mental preparation, I can push through the burn out.
But I recognize that I was tapping into the reserves to do it....so now its vacation time.
I've been saying that for a couple of weeks. So when I was invited to play in just one more end-of-season tournament, I told the tournament director I couldn't do it. I was just too burnt out. There would be no point in playing. I would not play well, not enjoy myself, and just reinforce all kinds of bad stuff. Which was too bad, because I've done well in this tournament before and normally would really be looking forward to it. But my mind was made up.
Then I thought about my June burn out problem. Of course, in a perfect world, you pace yourself so you peak for the most important competitions, but life doesn't always make that easy. So, if you're mentally tough, shouldn't you be able to push through the burn out just long enough to compete, and then take a break?
So, that became my quest. I spent the night before coming to terms with the whole situation. Accepting that I didn't want to play. Accepting that the tournament was coming at a bad time and there was nothing I could do about it. And then accepting that I was choosing to play anyway. I then spent some time getting in touch with my desire to win and visualizing myself playing with complete focus on the game and on every shot.
By morning, I was no longer feeling burnt out. I was ready to play.
It would be a great finish to this post to be able to say, "And I won the tournament" or "Made it to the finals." Nah. I was out in the first round. But I had a great match, and if it hadn't been for an unforeseen scratch on the 8 in the first game, I would have won in straight games. It was a victory for me, because I felt driven and focused in a way I haven't in weeks. Its a good feeling to know, that with a little mental preparation, I can push through the burn out.
But I recognize that I was tapping into the reserves to do it....so now its vacation time.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The greek chorus chimes in while Skinner feeds his pigeons
The thing I hate the most about losing is the sympathy you must endure from the well-intentioned. It is the punishment for finishing second in a two-person contest.
The thing I hate most about losing streaks, is the recurring and escalating sympathy, followed by psycho-analysis by committee that you must endure from the well-intentioned trying to fix your perceived problem. It is the punishment for being cursed by the "L" word too many times in a row.
"You just aren't very confident right now."
"You were a little overconfident there."
"You need a break."
"You need to not take it so seriously."
"You need to just make balls. Forget shape."
"You're making too many balls. You need to be more strategic."
"You need to let go of winning."
"You need to focus on winning."
"You need to drink more."
"You need to drink less."
and so it goes....
It reminds me of the superstitious pigeon in the classic Skinner experiment. (I tried to find a video, but couldn't). Skinner's pigeons were conditioned to expect a reward for performing certain behaviors--peck the shiny silver button, and get some bird seed. When Skinner randomized the reward, completely unlinking it from a specific action, the birds started repeating strange behaviors. Turning to the right. Flapping a left wing. Pecking at its toe. Pecking at another pigeon's toe Trying to figure out, what was the thing, that magical thing that it was doing, that caused the birdseed to drop from the sky. Hmmmm. Maybe I should wear my lucky shirt. I was drinking Maker's the last time I won....maybe I'll have a makers tonight. Or not eat dinner. Or just make balls. Or play more safeties. Or use a house cue, or, or.....There are so many potential fixes....and none of them may make a hoot of difference, cuz sometimes the wins are just birdseed being dropped by some sadistic college student trying to get an A. Cruel, cruel world.
No one, including myself sometimes, remembers that within this monolithic string of losses were some well-played, tough matches, that I just came up short on: a bad roll, an outstanding opponent, or an honest mistake that's appropriate for my learning curve. These are the matches to remember and build on.
There is no "fix", maybe because there is no real "problem." But there is a lesson: While I can listen to what others say, ultimately its my own voice I need to listen to and not let the well-intentioned coddling undermine my confidence.
I have my own thoughts about what, if anything is going on with some of my matches, but more on that later.....because I've got to get back to flapping my left wing....just in case.
The thing I hate most about losing streaks, is the recurring and escalating sympathy, followed by psycho-analysis by committee that you must endure from the well-intentioned trying to fix your perceived problem. It is the punishment for being cursed by the "L" word too many times in a row.
"You just aren't very confident right now."
"You were a little overconfident there."
"You need a break."
"You need to not take it so seriously."
"You need to just make balls. Forget shape."
"You're making too many balls. You need to be more strategic."
"You need to let go of winning."
"You need to focus on winning."
"You need to drink more."
"You need to drink less."
and so it goes....
It reminds me of the superstitious pigeon in the classic Skinner experiment. (I tried to find a video, but couldn't). Skinner's pigeons were conditioned to expect a reward for performing certain behaviors--peck the shiny silver button, and get some bird seed. When Skinner randomized the reward, completely unlinking it from a specific action, the birds started repeating strange behaviors. Turning to the right. Flapping a left wing. Pecking at its toe. Pecking at another pigeon's toe Trying to figure out, what was the thing, that magical thing that it was doing, that caused the birdseed to drop from the sky. Hmmmm. Maybe I should wear my lucky shirt. I was drinking Maker's the last time I won....maybe I'll have a makers tonight. Or not eat dinner. Or just make balls. Or play more safeties. Or use a house cue, or, or.....There are so many potential fixes....and none of them may make a hoot of difference, cuz sometimes the wins are just birdseed being dropped by some sadistic college student trying to get an A. Cruel, cruel world.
No one, including myself sometimes, remembers that within this monolithic string of losses were some well-played, tough matches, that I just came up short on: a bad roll, an outstanding opponent, or an honest mistake that's appropriate for my learning curve. These are the matches to remember and build on.
There is no "fix", maybe because there is no real "problem." But there is a lesson: While I can listen to what others say, ultimately its my own voice I need to listen to and not let the well-intentioned coddling undermine my confidence.
I have my own thoughts about what, if anything is going on with some of my matches, but more on that later.....because I've got to get back to flapping my left wing....just in case.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
